Dear God,

I’ve finally made up my mind to do it. I’ve decided that I’m going to keep a diligent mind, focused on what I want, despite the usual obstacles of monkey-mind and thoughts of what-would-people-think.

I figure that keeping a journal would be a good idea, both to record my thoughts and as a record of the results of my perseverance. I’ve been getting hints to journal for years (being told outright by some people), but writing with pen on paper has been a difficult thing for me to keep up with, so I’m hoping that by being able to type things out, I’ll be better at it.

I’ve already been working at keeping a diligent mind – focused on positivity, what I want instead of what I don’t want, keeping my vibe up, etc. – for the last several months. It’s been hard work, considering that I have almost 44 years of monkey-mind to retrain. Considering that I’ve been on this path since I was 20, and earnestly for the last 11 years, I think it should be easier.

I guess that goes to show how strong and set in its ways a monkey mind can be.

I like the idea of making my life changes into an experiment. With an experiment, there is no success or failure, only results. Yes, I’ll get results from an experiment either way – if there’s no change, even that is a result. 🙂

My birthday is in two days. That is when I go into “super diligent mind” mode, for one year.

I’m nervous.

Will I be able to pull off the huge changes I want to see in my life by the end of that year?

All I know is, if I don’t try it, I won’t ever know. I would regret not having tried.

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Figuring you out, God, is going to be a big part of the next year.

I believe you exist. I believe you’re both a force I can use to affect/create my life and a loving energy from which all that exists was created. However, I have a hard time understanding how you can be both.

I have this conundrum every few years or so. I guess what I really want is the answer to, “Who is really in control of my life?”

Is it me, or is it you?

If it’s me, then why haven’t my attempts to create my life how I want it to be not worked?

Oh. Yeah. It’s that monkey-mind thing. I’m working on that.

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Good thing I’m writing this to you, God, and not for anybody who might be reading it (and hopefully benefiting from my results, or lack of results). I think writing the way I think – in circles – will be helpful to me.

Okay, I guess that’s it for this first entry. I haven’t blogged in many years, so I have a lot to learn about this. I’m off to find out how easy it is to include a picture of a monkey somewhere in this post.

In light,

B