I’ve been thinking about this blog since starting it yesterday.

It’s funny that I’d been feeling drawn to starting it for weeks before doing so (I waited for a quiet moment in the house, when all the kids were at s’cool) and then after I finally started it, I began to doubt the need for it.

But this morning is a different animal and I feel again the need to journal.

What I’m wondering this morning is, how the heck am I going to keep a diligent mind for a whole year? How am I going to stay focused on what I want – good health, happiness, abundance – when what shows up for me is the opposite?

Okay, not truly the opposite.

I, and my kids, have good health – for the most part. We are very fortunate that way! My only problem is being larger than I’d like to be, which I’ll go into in another (million?) post(s).

We’re all generally happy, too, and have quite a bit of stuff (more than I want in my home, really). I feel very fortunate and am very grateful for all that we have, all the wonderful people in our lives, and the fun things we get to experience.

But I want more for us.

I get frustrated and tired of living in a tiny, dark, apartment that’s seemingly made of cardboard. Where I can hear my upstairs neighbors every step, and more. Housing removed the carpet from that apartment a few years ago, so I heard my previous neighbor’s chihuahua’s claws when he ran around. I live in a drum and they’re the players! My downstairs neighbors complain about the way the kids shut our front door, which I’ve had Maintenance come fix at least once a year and it still doesn’t get fixed. We don’t always feel safe because of some of our neighbors choices and histories.

I want a home filled with light and space and love. A place for my kids (and dog) to run around and be as noisy as they want. I want each of my children to have their own rooms, a place for all of their things, a space that they can decorate as they want. I want a home where we feel safe and secure and where we’re surrounded by beauty.

I am extremely grateful to have government help to buy food for my family, but we need more. Especially as the amount every family in the US gets is going down at the end of this month (and it wasn’t enough for the four of us as it was).

I want the freedom of knowing that I can buy whatever food I want for my family, whatever clothes and shoes and household items we need. I want the freedom to get a haircut when I want it instead of when I have the extra money to get it. When my kids have holey socks or shoes or pants or extremely splayed toothbrush bristles, or my kitchen sponge is worn, I want to easily toss those in the trash and replace them.

I love shopping at thrift stores and will even when I’ve got more than enough money for all of our needs and desires, but I look forward to shopping in Kohl’s and even Target, and actually buying books instead of having to rely solely on my wonderful local library.

I started a photography business several years ago. I’ve learned a lot about how I want that business to look by doing a lot of things I discovered I don’t like. When I decided to specialize in January of 2010, I didn’t believe I could run my business the way I dreamed, but that has changed in the ensuing time. In the 3 years since, I hadn’t done any of the kind of work I now specialize in, and have gotten paid only for the school pictures I’ve done at a private preschool once a year.

I have taken this year to restructure my business to allow my dream to happen. I want my business to be successful not just for my financial and psychological health, but also for those women who would be my clients, because my work is not only good for my spirit, but for uplifting the spirits of the women with whom I work.

I want to be able to give my homeschooled children more experiences – the educational kind as well as the just-for-fun kind. They’ve been limited to what we can do for free around town, or what friends have invited us to attend with them. I’ve been wanting to take them to a local “fun” place for years, and we dream of going to Disney World, but other things have taken precedence. All of my kids – the youth, the preteen and the teenager – would love to have easy access to our local science museum.

I want a vehicle which I can rely on, feel good about, and easily fill with fuel. I am so grateful that I was able to purchase a used minivan two years ago, and that it runs and works decently well. Many people don’t have the freedom of a vehicle and it’s something for which I thank God every time I get in. Its problems are minor – something going on with the engine for which, at least when it’s warm out, I have to wiggle some wires, and an electric door which only works on occasion – but they’re annoyances which it would be nice to be able to have fixed.

These are the kinds of things which I’m faced with daily. Not to mention the clutter and the squabbling, etc.

So, how in the heck am I supposed to keep a diligent mind, focused on what I WANT to create, when these are the things that I *see*, that show up as my reality?

Am I supposed to ignore it all? I already do, to an extent, or else living here, this way, would be unbearable. But how am I supposed to live in the darkness and create the light? How am I supposed to live in the limits and create the unlimited? How am I supposed to live in the chaos and create the peace?

This is stuff I should know, as I’ve been studying it for 25 years. It is stuff I believe, which – for some reason – I have not been able to internalize, to really “get”.

I hope that this year is the year that changes.